i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
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Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
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Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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