Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
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They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
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She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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