I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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