i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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