obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
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Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
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He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
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