Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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