I accidentally had phone sex last night
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
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He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
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You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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