fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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