I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
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Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
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During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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