your parents love me but you hate me
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
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I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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