i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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