pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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