He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
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Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
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She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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