what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
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She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
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