There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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