I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
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He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
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