even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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