some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize