I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
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This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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