R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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