Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize