No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
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All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
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Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You've changed since you got that strap on
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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