Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
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