i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
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should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
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I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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