I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize