i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
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It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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