Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Randomize
