Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
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Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
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You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize