Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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