remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
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Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
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I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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