...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just pynch a tree in the face
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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