"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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