new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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