I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
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