I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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