he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
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I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
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For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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