i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
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I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
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Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
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