so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
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I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
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Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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