It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
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I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
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Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize