After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
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You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
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Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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