News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
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I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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