True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
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After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
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Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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