I accidentally burped into my bong.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
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And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
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I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
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