I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
How's work?
Spinning.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
