Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I'm lost and stupid without you.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
