The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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