so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
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I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
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