No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
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at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
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I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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