theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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