Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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