The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
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We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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