You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
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she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Blood and glitter go together right?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
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Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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